[Now with all-important footnotes]
Eww, gross, no thanks…okay fine, I won’t be rude, but seriously, I’m not shaking her hand.
I AM GOING TO MURDERURDLE MY SISTER.
I am SO ANGRY right now.
At the universe, yes, and perhaps the universe should bear the brunt of it, but my sister is such a convenient target. I am angry with my sister.* My beloved, older sister who is 16 years my senior.
I shall slay her. No, I won’t. But I will murderurdle her. (A term coined by my former roommate to make expressing anger sound cuter.)
It was very sweet of my sister to bring her whole family over to wish me goodbye as I left to transfer to a new college across the country. It was adorable of my nieces to give me hugs and sloppy kisses goodbye.
But don’t you think that MAYBE, just MAYBE, she could’ve figured out that she and her kids had friggin’ SUPERCONTAGIOUS hand, foot, and mouth disease before sending me off to meet hundreds of new people and friends?!** Like seriously, earlier that week she stayed home from work because she felt so tired and out of it, and her throat hurt so much. And my baby niece, the one-and-a-half-year-old, had been miserable for days. I think they figured out my niece’s actual diagnosis after I left, but still — I know we’re family and all, but when it comes to viruses, sharing is SO TOTALLY NOT CARING.
Especially when I’m going to a transfer student orientation where the whole point is literally to shake as many hands as possible and make good first impressions! AND THEN START THE HARDEST YEAR OF MY ACADEMIC LIFE!
YES, THAT’S A GREAT IDEA. LET’S SEND HER OFF WITH NICE GERMS TO GIVE EVERYONE, PLUS MAKE HER MISERABLE, AND LOOK LIKE A TOTAL FREAK.
I realize this was not intentional. And I don’t have huge gross blisters on my mouth or anything noticeable. I actually just figured out that this must be what’s been wrong with me — up till now, I considered each symptom an isolated incident. Feeling feverish and exhausted, plus a sore throat, could all be (sort of) explained by the 2,300 mile road trip to arrive here in the land of the hot and muggy. The little, painful bumps on my fingers and toes (now hands and feet) must have been from touching cactus or fiberglass (not that I came into contact with either).
Hey, wait a second. Fever, sore throat, rash on feet and hands? That’s textbook hand, foot, and mouth disease!
…Which I found out two days ago my niece definitely has. Which I joked I might have because I felt so horrible. For which the incubation period is 3-6 days. Which is, incidentally, pretty darn contagious.
IT’S THE WEEKEND BEFORE THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AT MY NEW COLLEGE AND I’M UP AT 3 AM BECAUSE MY FEET ITCH TOO MUCH TO SLEEP?! PLUS I HAVE A CONTAGIOUS DISEASE?!?!
Kill me now. Just, stick me with a little needle thingy and put me to sleep like the sick little doggy I am.
I’m already angry with my sister for not thinking of this problem prior to infecting me with her gross germs, but if any of my new friends start getting little bumps on their hands and feet and mouth, I will fly all the way back home to murderurdle her.*** I’d prefer not to have the unjust anger I feel toward her directed at me. It sounds like as long as I keep my hands washed and don’t share drinks with anyone they should be fine. So, um, starting that now.
It is now 3:23 am and my feet ache and itch like never before in my life. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep, but since I’m exhausted, I’ll proofread in the morning.****
Good night, everyone. I certainly hope yours will be better than mine.
* Note: I just needed a scapegoat, promise. I love my sister, she’s the best, and there’s not a whole lot she could have done to prevent this. Sometimes sick people get irrational.
** And maybe, just maybe, I should’ve figured it out myself. It’s totally not her fault. Again. Scapegoat.
*** See note 1. Not actually angry with her, just the situation.
**** That is, proofread AND make it clear that I don’t hate my sister. No hard feelings, Reet. I’m sorry my quasi-hallucinating, feverish self of last night felt the need to burn you in effigy (figuratively speaking). I love you, I promise ❤