Last Saturday, I tried something new. Daring. Exciting. Horrifying.
The Pointersaurus Pizza Challenge was the craziest attempt at eating I’ve ever made, and that’s including all those Thanksgivings that left me more stuffed than the turkey.
Believe me, I was prepared. I’d been drinking a gallon of water every evening to stretch out my stomach. I ate half of a 20-lb watermelon for dinner the day before to make sure I could handle the volume. The day of the eating challenge, my teammate and I were jazzed and ready.
Even after seeing the massive 28-inch, 11-lb, sausage-and-pepperoni pizza come out of the oven, we were optimistic we could finish it within the hour. No amount of suffering could keep us from the $500 prize winnings — we had our 80s montage music playlist playing and everything.
…buuuuut after eating about 50 of 90 squares of pizza between the two of us, the cold cheese and high salt content became overwhelming. We’d eaten through The Eye Of The Tiger, You’re The Best Around, Hungry Like The Wolf, and about six others, but the once-delicious pizza was now revolting. The bread wasn’t terrible and the tomato sauce made it almost tolerable, but the meat and cheese became impossible to swallow. By the time We Will Rock You and Rock You Like A Hurricane were over, I realized I had been chewing on a single bite for the last five minutes. I was willing to keep trying to power through the gag reflex, but by the time David Bowie started singing Under Pressure, my fellow pizza-eater said he was done.
Failure stung — instead of winning $250 each, we each had to shell out $32 to pay for the pizza. We both almost vomited on the car ride home, and pretty much waddled up to our apartment and collapsed on the living room floor.
It took about 36 hours for the pizza aftereffects to finally fade. We’re still working through the shame of losing. I’d say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or that we’ll try again and emerge victorious in the future, but in this case, there’s not much inspiration to be had. We tried to become gluttons for money, and instead we became gluttons for nothing. We didn’t get anything out of it besides a bad stomach ache.
I like trying new things. New experiences are great opportunities for growth. Unfortunately, the only growth I’m gonna get out of this one will be the fat lining my stomach.
I guess if there’s anything I learned from the experience, it’s that I’m never, ever doing that to myself again.