Jan 28, 2014

I want something real.

I want something lasting.

I want someone to have and to hold till death do us part.

The commitment part, the responsibility, the adult bits? Those can wait. I’m in no rush.

But I want to find that person, that man I can see beside me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get married anytime soon. But I do want to see that door open and know it is a possibility.

A year ago I wanted a relationship. Any relationship, really. Sure, I had a couple crushes, but if pretty much anyone approached me I would have been willing, because I craved the recognition. I worried about shared values, interests, etc., but put those worries on hold. Why not just give it a shot and see how it goes?

Fling. Casual. Temporary. Test. Trial. Short. Fleeting. Just…

A thirst sated by a touch
only to burst into fiery flames that devour the kindling and die,
leaving only lonely, aching embers and parched earth.

Chasing after fool’s gold.

It’s not worth it. A taste of what could be only worsens the hunger, and feeling flattered only goes so far.

I don’t need that attention anymore. I know I’m worth it, and I know he’s probably not. I’ve had my fill of “casual,” and sure, it was nice, but now I crave what’s real. If he’s not my type, if I don’t feel something back,  if I can already see the problems bubbling under the surface, why bother?

I don’t want to be a fairytale princess and be swept off my feet by a prince who’s got no more substance than “charming.” But I still want to find true love. The real-world kind, the pure and imperfect kind, the kind that can only form between two flawed human beings. The kind that embraces imperfection and transforms it, makes it beautiful.

I want love that is unconditional, total, supreme; that floats above the stormy sea of human emotion and pettiness, not negating it, but transcending it. I want love that makes sense of the messiness of humanity and gives it meaning. I want love that sees all and accepts all, without reservation.

I want to find my soulmate.


11 thoughts on “Soulmate

  1. What wisdom you have in being able to know what will truly make you fulfilled as far as a relationship and avoid the heartache of brokenness, I love your clarity of thought and hope your journey will lead you to your soulmate!

    • I don’t have quite as much clarity as I’d like, unfortunately. I posted this partially to remind myself that the flings and things just aren’t worth it, because sometimes they’re pretty tempting! But I know that holding out for the right person is worth it.

  2. I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to have such a love. I mean, there is still real life to give the stormy feelings a sudden touch of reality. Making you remember that it’s still a human being you’re dealing with… So I don’t know – but I hope you will find that true love though 🙂

    • Real love isn’t perfect in the sense that it fixes all problems, just that it endures all problems. I don’t think there’s any relationship where reality doesn’t butt in and make things seriously unpleasant sometimes, but I do think it’s possible to always have that love present and sincere throughout hardship.

      In other words, even in the moments you reeeeeeally dislike your partner, you still love them 🙂 And even when everything seems to be going wrong, you still have each other.

      • Putting it that way makes it better to understand for me, haha 😀 And that kind of love, I believe that it exists. A bit like with family: even when they piss you off, you still know you would do everything for them when needed.

        My little brains can capture that at least 😉

  3. Maria, you’re wise beyond your years. And you will find your soul mate. There’s someone for everyone, I believe that! I was 26 before I met mine, and I have friends who didn’t meet theirs until their late 30’s.

    Until then, and after, keep writing because the depth of your insight is breathtaking and beautiful. xo

    • Thanks, Beth! I certainly hope you’re right. I realize that here are loads of great guys out there, but sometimes it’s hard to believe I’ll not only meet the right one, but also summon up the courage to actually interact with him ever -_-

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