Jan 28, 2014
I want something real.
I want something lasting.
I want someone to have and to hold till death do us part.
The commitment part, the responsibility, the adult bits? Those can wait. I’m in no rush.
But I want to find that person, that man I can see beside me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get married anytime soon. But I do want to see that door open and know it is a possibility.
A year ago I wanted a relationship. Any relationship, really. Sure, I had a couple crushes, but if pretty much anyone approached me I would have been willing, because I craved the recognition. I worried about shared values, interests, etc., but put those worries on hold. Why not just give it a shot and see how it goes?
Fling. Casual. Temporary. Test. Trial. Short. Fleeting. Just…
A thirst sated by a touch
only to burst into fiery flames that devour the kindling and die,
leaving only lonely, aching embers and parched earth.
Chasing after fool’s gold.
It’s not worth it. A taste of what could be only worsens the hunger, and feeling flattered only goes so far.
I don’t need that attention anymore. I know I’m worth it, and I know he’s probably not. I’ve had my fill of “casual,” and sure, it was nice, but now I crave what’s real. If he’s not my type, if I don’t feel something back, if I can already see the problems bubbling under the surface, why bother?
I don’t want to be a fairytale princess and be swept off my feet by a prince who’s got no more substance than “charming.” But I still want to find true love. The real-world kind, the pure and imperfect kind, the kind that can only form between two flawed human beings. The kind that embraces imperfection and transforms it, makes it beautiful.
I want love that is unconditional, total, supreme; that floats above the stormy sea of human emotion and pettiness, not negating it, but transcending it. I want love that makes sense of the messiness of humanity and gives it meaning. I want love that sees all and accepts all, without reservation.
I want to find my soulmate.